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User blog:AgentHoxton/AgentHoxton's Death Battle - Recap/Looking Back (Season 3)
'Ello, wankers. Hoxton here. So you might be wondering. "AgentHoxton's Season 3 is over and it's the recap time! What are you doin' here?" Because I am here to put my bloody foot down and declare to you upfront - I am a new subhost on this little show of his. From DeviantArt to here, I'm the new face in town, and here I am to have my day in the limelight to deliver the Looking Back blog. All of it. That's right. I'm here to stay for this little gig right here. You aren't gettin' that mingy wannabe of me, that moronic metal part-timer, or even the shrimpy little "just-so-happens-to-be-adorable" nursing student I even went up against to get here. Nope, instead you're getting the raw British brilliance that is me, Hoxton, wankers. So let's get to it. Oh yeah, spoilers from here on out. Don't whine to me if any of these results spoil the outcome of any of these matches you haven't seen, wanker. And right off the bat we have... a sword. No really. We have a livin' sword "Poke-ee-mon" as our first winner of Season 3, known only as Honedge. He faced off against another weird sword called Saba that belonged to some overactive teenager in the first match as a literal swordfight. Despite Saba bein' able to hold his own and fire off laser beams to keep the Sword Pokemon on edge (Get it? On edge? Honedge? ...Wanker.), Honedge's Steel-Ghost combined with his large move pool sealed both Saba's destroyal and the White Ranger's death. Not much to say for this one. Didn't really have much going for it other than what's already there. But then again, we all have to start a season somewhere, I guess. And boy did this season throw people through loops at times... And this little girl knows how that goes. She went up against a Dell Conagher in the season's technology-based battle. Hardhat had the better combat skills and technology, but think about it - this is a girl from some bullet-hell game that has all sorts of crazy-powerful entities. What hope does Hardhat have on that front? He'd do well to put a bloody scratch in her, that's what. I shouldn't laugh, but... y'know. It's a little girl beating some construction worker in his 30s or 40s. It's amusing to me, y'got that? The last two matches were more prevalent in one character's favour. Not this one. In this fight, we had a return of Death Battle's first Street Fighter combatant and a sadistic goddess dominatrix to prove who is truly superior. And... well, it was pretty much neck-and-neck, what with Akuma's strength and speed matched by Iris Heart's durability and flight. Shin Akuma wasn't going to be seen in the fight, so what would that mean? None other than his ace in the hole, the Raging Demon, which pretty much decimated the goddess in one fell swoop. And with that, he won. Again. If it weren't for that Raging Demon, I'd figure Iris would have taken it. But them's the breaks. Can't do anything about it and what it does, can ya? Ah, this rat again. After he clashed with that purple dragon girl, he becomes this series' first fully-returning combatant for another match against some girl avatar from some online game I've never heard of. Speed was the name of the game, and both had plenty of it. Yet here's the thing - Sonic's a Lightning Bruiser. Asuna's a Fragile Speedster (and go to TVTropes if you haven't a clue on either of those terms). Even with her being smarter, you do the math. But in spite of that, I'm told it was entertaining for the creator to write. Sure. Whatever floats the prick's boat. But what really piqued my interest is what came after... Heh heh heh... now we're getting into the fun stuff. In the fifth episode we had a little change of pace - sure, we had the blonde gunslinger of some girl group, but the main focus was the introduction of the resident garbage can, Eden, whose story is still being made today (if you wanna go have a read of that, then go to that AgentHoxton fella's page - should be on there). It was young pacifist against slightly older shooter who hasn't got that many moral limitations, like yours truly here. And naturally, Eden got his ass handed to him harder than I fucked up Roscoe in prison. And before you lowballer wankers make a case against this girl, forget it. The little tosser of an angel didn't stand a chance no matter what you try to say concerning them. And as a result, he's dangerously close to dropping to the lower tiers on the Hall of Records as it stands. Life sucks for him, eh? ...Oh, and don't ship Eden and Mami together, wankers. You know who you people are. Seriously, what the hell? John motherfuckin' Wick. Nice to see that life's having him go places, and after the angel got his ass handed to him came a fight involving the hitman himself. And even despite my cold ways, it warms my heart to see him here on the podium of victory. Because just who did he take down to get here? None other than the motherfucking Batman! Ha-ha! Not even the Dark Knight can stop Wick! Ah, good stuff, it was. Oh, and yeah, he did kill some clown in the process, but it's not "Batman and That Clown vs. John Wick", is it? No. Anyway, Wick won. Good stuff all the same. What the fuck... is this woman's skin... green? I... uh... okay. Anyway... after that was a fight between Marvel's most dangerous woman and Capcom's strongest woman. And who is Capcom's strongest woman? As if I didn't know. While Chun was the fan-favourite for this fight, it wasn't able to save her. Like... at all. I mean, she had the means to stand up to her and phase her as well as her energy attack things, but apart from that, Gamora had the better... everything. Strength, speed, durability, you name it, wanker. Shame, really. I prefer her to Gamora, and so does the creator, apparently. But hey, that's Marvel for ya. And with that, another Street Fighter falls... But luckily for Street Fighter, it wasn't too long before the series was avenged once more. And boy, how high-profile that match was. Set between the poster boy of Street Fighter and the poster boy of Killer Instinct. Unlike the likes of Eden vs. Mami or Gamora vs. Chun-Li before it, this one was a much closer duel, with Ryu bein' the stronger and more durable whereas Jago was the smarter and less predictable one. But unfortunately for the tiger kid, the Power of Nothingness couldn't be stopped, not even with his Instinct Mode. One of the more prevalent fights of the season so far, alongside Eden vs. Mami. But believe me, the quality doesn't stop there by any means. Heh heh... not even close, mate, just watch. Ah, now we have an age-old warrior battle to cover here. On one end was a centuries old mentor to some wolf-kid who also happens to be a wolf creature himself. On the other end, this puffball with a mask. But looks are deceiving, after all. The two dueled and gave it everything they got, and Meta Knight's speed combined with his thousand-year experience granted him the victory in a surprisingly close match. One with plenty of action, excitement and... feeling, apparently. No, it wasn't a stomp. Sess could have taken it with that disintegration sword, were it not for Meta Knight's speed and teleportation. Never count anyone out so soon, tossers. What followed after that was another technology-based battle on two robotic entities. Between some geezer who sent a place back to the Dark Ages and a time-travelling robot, no less. What came of it was a humongous gun fight (but me or any of the other lads could have done better, yeah? See Seasons 1 and 2) with a few explosions here and there. But here's the kicker - Denton had powers that Robo-Schwartzenegger didn't have means of dealing with, and of course, it led to the ironic termination of that robot. Kicked the tosser down to Bottom Tier as a result, too. Shame, isn't it? ...Oh no. Oh no. I honestly thought that we'd seen the last of this twat. Alright then, let's get this over with. So this guy's fight was against a pair of mutants much burlier than he is. Seems like he'd be annihlated by them, right? Well, he would have, if it weren't for one thing - those guys were even MORE stupid than Gadget! Like, seriously. What the hell's up with that? You wonder why that Shredder wanker keeps hiring them! And because of that, on top of Gadget's arsenal... they had little to no chance. ...Am I in the clear? No metallic dickweed in my ear about information and shit? None of that? Good. Let's move on quickly. Who the fuck? Am I on drugs right now? Who is this wanker? ...Calls himself "He-Man"? What? I... sure. Let's just roll with it. So, his match... was against a defender of some failed console? What? This... I don't even... and said defender of failed console squared off against Chuck Norris, huh? Well, unfortunately for Say-gah-ta, He-Man was just physically above him in general. Making missiles weigh less and flipping them around is cool and all, but... He-Man's a geezer who pushed mountains and MOONS. Good luck. ...I don't... I can't even explain this match properly, can I? Let's just move on, pray for something easier... Well, well, well. Look at who we've got here. This fine lady's match was themed with magic, and who better than Zatanna of DC Comics fame (or not, depending on how well known she is outside of that Injustice game)? Both had their tricks up their sleeves and their own little knick-knacks to fight with, but even in spite of Zatanna's durablity and magic prowess, once she couldn't speak her spells (use a Speak-and-Spell in future, mate), it was only a matter of time before Cana finished the round. You learn something new every day. Apparently she's only 18 despite her appearances making her seem much older. And apparently, someone's "waif-oo" to boot. "Waif-oo"... what the actual fuck. I don't get you people, sometimes. Holy fuck! Is that a man on a horse's body!? They sure don't make my job any easier, do they? Anyway, you could say his match was more of a Halloween thing. You think this guy's grotesque? Take a look at who he fought! Creepy little buggers. Anyway, it was yet another straightforward result, as his reflective skin meant Eyedol was left with nothing but short range options, whereas Motaro could fight up close and from a distance. Add that on to his strength and speed and, well, Eyedol didn't stand much of a chance. Yeah. Happy Halloween - even if it isn't technically Halloween. You get the gist. ...Wait, what? Isn't this tosser the guy who won our first match ever in this series? The hell's he doin' here again? ...Wait, he fought Guile again? A rematch? Well then. Turns out things weren't quite well covered last time, so the penultimate episode had them looked at in a bit more detail and with more of their things thrown in, and this time written in a bit more quality (looking back, the thing's a piece of shite, ain't it?). And the conclusion? Soldier STILL wins on account of his more damaging weaponry and what-have-you, as well as his surprisingly high durability. You'd be amazed at what this fucker can take when throwing gameplay mechanics to one side. But nothing else really mattered that much as the ultimate showdown of Season 3 came about. The combatants? Saxton Hale of Mann Co and Senator Armstrong of World Marshall. Ah, bet you can smell the "memes" coming off of these two, ah? It was a fierce and close battle, anyways. Armstrong's nanomachine technology and the fact he was smarter definitely gave him a good chance, but it was Hale's strength, tenacity and combat experience that was able to overcome the nanomachines, son. AgentHoxton believes that this battle was his best in terms of quality thus far, even rivalling the previous finale. Whatever strokes his ego, ha ha. ---- And there you have it. That's another season under wraps. And from Season 4 onwards, expect to see yours truly appear more often. More time in the limelight for me, haha! But that's not all. I've hired 2 more fellas to join me. Whaddaya say, mates? You know full well I am not your "mate", human. Likewise, I am ready as well. But I am not your "mate" either, Hoxworth. See you all when Season 4 kicks up, wankers. Hoxton out. Favourite battle this season? Honedge vs. Saba The Engineer vs. Nitori Kawashiro Akuma vs. Iris Heart Sonic the Hedgehog vs. Asuna Yuuki Eden vs. Mami Tomoe Batman vs. John Wick Gamora vs. Chun-Li Ryu vs. Jago Sesshōmaru vs. Meta Knight JC Denton vs. The Terminator Inspector Gadget vs. Bebop and Rocksteady He-Man vs. Segata Sanshiro Cana Alberona vs. Zatanna Motaro vs. Eyedol Guile vs. The Soldier REMATCH Saxton Hale vs. Steven Armstrong Favourite winner? Honedge Nitori Kawashiro Akuma Sonic the Hedgehog Mami Tomoe John Wick Gamora Ryu Meta Knight JC Denton Inspector Gadget He-Man Cana Alberona Motaro The Soldier Saxton Hale Favourite loser? Saba The Engineer Iris Heart Asuna Yuuki Eden Batman Chun-Li Jago Sesshōmaru The Terminator Bebop and/or Rocksteady Segata Sanshiro Zatanna Eyedol Guile Senator Steven Armstrong Favourite/most gruesome death? Saba (Blade shattered by Sacred Sword/White Ranger killed) The Engineer (Drowned) Iris Heart (Soul destroyed by the Raging Demon) Asuna Yuuki (Stomped in stomach) Eden (Stabbed in stomach/Gaia Crystal destroyed/Neck snapped/Hung) Batman (Stabbed in mouth/Head splattered) Chun-Li (Sliced in half) Jago (Burnt by the Shinku Hadouken) Sesshōmaru (Sliced in half by Galaxia Darkness/Bled out) The Terminator (Shut down by EMP grenade/Blown up) Bebop (Speared in head) Rocksteady (Frozen/Smashed head on rock/Drowned) Segata Sanshiro (Thrown into the sun/Incinerated) Zatanna (Disintegrated by Fairy Glitter) Eyedol (Heads ripped off) Guile (Neck snapped) Steven Armstrong (Heart ripped out/Heart crushed) Which battle of Season 4 are you looking forward to the most? New York's Monstrous Defender Battle - Jake Long vs. Goliath The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend - Vert vs. Silver the Hedgehog It's Been Rough - Eden vs. Dark Pit A Fairy Tale Of The Star Wars - Boba Fett vs. Erza Scarlet Great Cops, Terrible Worlds - Chris Redfield vs. Kurtis Stryker Of Fire And Ice - Esdeath vs. Cinder I've Had It Worse Than You - Ragna the Bloodedge vs. Guts Silent Psycho, Loud Psycho - Jacket vs. Wolf Burn Baby Burn - Blaze the Cat vs. Scorpion Check A Demon's Power With Their Sword's Size - War vs. Nightmare He Who Hunts Down Sin; She Who Embraces It - Ghost Rider vs. Morrigan Aensland Judge, Lest Ye Be Judged - Frollo vs. Judge Doom Do You Dream Much, Kira? - Light Yagami vs. Hannibal Lecter Pathetic Humans... - Magneto vs. Gilgamesh Evil Is Funny: SEGA vs. Capcom - Dr. Eggman vs. Tron Bonne Chill Out! - Sub-Zero vs. Mr. Freeze Dude, Where's My Respect? - Spider-Man vs. Mr. Incredible Technology: Good Or Evil? - Raiden vs. Lex Luthor Parasitic Doppelganger Clash - Venom vs. SA-X Zombie Outbreak! - Special Infected Battle Royale Hunter Becomes The Hunted - Natsu Dragneel vs. The Last Dragonborn Who Has Better Bragging Rights? - Kyoko Sakura vs. The Scout Aiming For Greatness - Hawkeye vs. Han Solo Only One Leader To Rule Them All - Bowser vs. Doctor Doom Action Laced In Red - Eden vs. Ruby Rose Hell Is Nothing To Me - Dark Schneider vs. Spawn A Death Battle... For The Right Price - Mercenary Tao vs. Taskmaster It's All About Lining Your Shots - Deadshot vs. Revolver Ocelot Dante vs. Sonic: Darker And Edgier Edition - Vergil vs. Shadow the Hedgehog Rocket Power! - Nova vs. Astro Boy The Dreaded Leaders - Darth Vader vs. Emperor Harlis What's A King To A God; What's A God To A Non-Believer? - Arceus vs. Godzilla Category:Blog posts